Query Letter for Son of Ogres - First Draft

Hi all!

Here is a query letter template I am trying out for my Young Adult fantasy novel: Son of Ogres. I have based the format on a query letter that was posted on http://queryshark.blogspot.com/ that got a rave review from Janet Reid. I am hoping this format works for my story as well.

So I am requesting feedback--good and bad--on this letter. Does it grab you? Would you be interested in seeing more if you were an agent for YA lit? Please let me know!


Dear Agent,

On the world of Pharll, Brue Overhill is just turning fifteen and is worried about getting the girl he likes to like him back. His challenge: he’s over seven feet tall and stilling growing, because he is part-ogre. Shaleana always seems frightened whenever he comes near her, as though she thinks he’ll step on her. Unfortunately for Brue, a slaver in disguise arrives in town and is determined to capture the young giant for a hefty commission. Brue manages to escape, but his family suffers the slaver’s deadly retribution.

Fast-forward three years and Brue has been joined by a small band of loyal companions, who are aiding him in trying to stop the slavers. They meet with little success, and when one of his friends is killed in a raid, Brue gives up on his quest. Then that night he is visited by the Guardian, who tells Brue that he is a Sentinel of Pharll. The young giant has a special destiny and the Guardian gives him a key to destroying the slavers. But will it be enough?

On Earth it is 1990 and eighteen-year-old PFC Mark Sampson has been unexpectedly called back from the Persian Gulf. He is taken to a secret underground base where he meets General Taylor Murphy, who tells him he is needed to join a team for a special assignment. Mark’s next-door neighbour, Dr. Zonov (who mysteriously disappeared three years ago), had invented a machine that can open a portal between dimensions. The general hopes that Mark’s personal connection to the missing scientist will aid the mission to explore another dimension. But General Murphy has a secret that could jeopardize the mission and perhaps all their lives as well.

A young adult fantasy novel, Son of Ogres, first book of the Sentinels of Pharll series, is complete at 80,000 words.

Thank you for your time.
James Baron