Son of Ogres Synopsis v.2

So here is my second draft of my Son of Ogres Synopsis. This one has more heart and soul, plus it goes to 2 pages. Hopefully this one reads better.


Son of Ogres Synopsis v.2
by James Baron

Brue and Mark are twin brothers, but they are unaware of each other’s existence, because they were raised on different worlds. Brue Overhill lives on Pharll, a world of magic and chaos, whereas Mark Sampson was found as an orphan on Earth. Their great-grandmother was an ogre, but only Brue inherited her tremendous size and strength. The people of his village call him Son of Ogres, and strangers speak of him in hushed tones.

On the day Brue turns fifteen he is trying to work up the nerve to talk to Shaleana, but she’s afraid he’ll step on her. Despite his formidable appearance, he is not a warrior. He just wants to be a farmer like his father, get married and have children. If only Shaleana could see past his hulking exterior and into his heart, then his dreams might be fulfilled. Unfortunately for Brue, Shaleana fearing him is the least of his worries when a slaver in disguise comes to Deervale. Rankmar has heard rumors of a giant living there and has come to investigate. He spots Brue at the Harvest Night Festival and decides to capture him for a hefty commission.

Rankmar waits until Brue is alone on the farm and attacks with four of his men. Brue is terrified and confused. Why are they after me? Then he discovers they are slavers and he fights desperately for his freedom. Brue has never held a sword before, much less used one in a fight, but he picks one up and with his great strength subdues the slavers. Later, Captain Stroggins of the town guard tells Brue to flee and never return, for the slavers will come back in greater numbers. The young giant leaves Deervale, but returns days later; he desperately needs to see his parents one last time. He arrives home and finds his mother and father dead, killed by the slavers in retribution for his escape. Brue buries them and vows he will end slavery on Pharll.

Three years pass and Brue has been joined by a small band of loyal companions, who aid him in trying to stop the slavers. In a world where the different races mistrust others at best, and try to kill each other at worst, Brue’s group is unique. His greatest friendship is with Bordel of the pix, a small race known for their fearlessness and agility. The exiled elven brothers Highborn and Skykey wield magic to aid in Brue’s cause. Gedin hates humans as all dwarves do, so why he helps Brue on his quest is a mystery.

As Brue struggles with being a leader when he is only eighteen, his brother Mark has his own problems. On Earth Private Mark Sampson has been unexpectedly called back from the Persian Gulf. He is taken to a secret underground base where he meets General Taylor Murphy, who tells him he is needed to join a team for a special assignment. Mark is surprised to learn that his mentor, Dr. Zonov (who mysteriously disappeared three years ago), had invented a device called the Dimensional Rifter. The general tells an incredulous Mark that this machine can open a portal between dimensions. Murphy hopes that Mark’s friendship with the missing scientist will aid the mission when they explore another dimension. Mark is nervous of the prospect of journeying to another dimension (who wouldn’t be?), but he doesn’t have much choice in the matter.

On Pharll Brue small band is having little success in their fight with the Slavers Guild, and when Highborn is killed in a raid, Brue considers giving up on his quest. He had hoped that others would be inspired to take up the cause, but they have been fighting this battle alone. The slavers are too many, plus they have dark wizards and evil monstrosities on their side. Brue fears all his friends could die and their deaths will be in vain. But later that night he is visited by the Guardian, who tells Brue that he is a Sentinel of Pharll. The Guardian provides him with a key to could destroy the Slavers Guild.

While Brue is dealing with a wondrous revelation, Mark has stumbled upon one more sinister. Mark and his friend Captain Andy Pritchard have discovered that the government is unaware of General Murphy’s secret project. The general has been working with a multi-millionaire scientist who has been using his money to finance their own private scheme. But Mark learns this too late, for the base is on lockdown and the final portal generation test is about to begin.

As Mark is trying to warn the government, Brue and his friends have finally reached the slaver stronghold. Using a combination of stealth, magic and brute force, they managed to infiltrate the fortress and access its lowest levels. At the bottom is a great cavern supported by a single pillar of stone. Skykey uses his magic to turn stone to sand and the column collapses. The elf was then supposed to teleport them to safety, but his wand was destroyed in the fight and the companions are forced to flee down an unknown tunnel. Unbeknownst to them, the fortress is saved from destruction by Pharll’s evil goddess—The Adversary. She makes a deal with Rankmar, who sends his slavers, dark wizards and their monsters after Brue.

The companions reach the end of the tunnel and discover a vertical pool of multicolored light. Skykey senses that it is magical in nature and that it could be a gateway leading to safety. Taking a leap of faith, they jump through, with enemy hot on their heels. On Earth a scientist activates the Dimensional Rifter and a portal appears in the lab, which Brue and his friends leap out of.
Will Brue and his brother Mark be reunited? Find out in the next book.

Synopsis review from Leatrice McKinney on YALITCHAT

Here is the critique I got on my synopsis from Leatrice McKinney on YALITCHAT. Very helpful. I will be posting my revised version soon.

Hi! Good morning. It's rather early for me and already I'm throwing typos all over the place, so please bear with me in my earthly endeavors.

After reading this over once just to get a feel of it, the first thing that leaps out at me is the transition from past to present, or rather Pharll to Earth, are a bit jarring. It doesn't mesh, even at the end when Brue and company, and bad guys, come to to Earth through the portal. It reads like two completely different stories that have no connection, and though that's essentially what they are until the end you have to find some sort of flow that will bind the synopsis together.

Example: Paragraph 2 going into paragraph 3, there could be some sort of set up to cushion the drop from this fantastical realm into 90's American. Try and incorporate it into the hooks, something along the lines of "Brue isn't the only one faced with troubles". Something more grabbing than that, but that's the idea. "Back on Pharll" is okay. "Switching back to Earth" give it a sort of mechanical feel. Maybe something like "while Brue and his friends manage to escape the evil goddess, on the Earthen realm Mark his friend". Show a bit of a connection between these words as we get closer to the point where they collide.

One other thing that jumped off the page was this sort of rigid take on the story, via the words chosen to express the critical points of the characters' journeys. For instance, in paragraph one we are given the tried and true teenage complication of getting the girl. Brue's goal is made all the more harder to attain by the part that he's a giant. The word challenge just doesn't seem to do the situation justice. It's too sterile. You challenge your friends to a game of mortal kombat, for Brue this is rocking his young world in all the wrong ways. It's more than a challenge, it's a disaster and whoever is reading this should get a taste of how he views it. Another example is the phrase fast-forward three years. It reads very technical. Not technology technical, but step-by-step. Like a recipe. Add 2 cups Ogre and 3 cups slaver, bake on high for 30 minutes. Sorry for the poor attempt at humor, just in a good mood today. The synopsis, as a summary of the story that dives into this wonderful world, should guide a reader through it as opposed to give directions. Maybe that's my personal edge on things shining through, I'm not sure, just giving it as how it comes across to me which is all I can do really.

Next is paragraph by paragraph. Paragraph 1: We go from reading about complications right into this issue with the slaver that has arrived in town. It's really abrupt and there's no explanation of how one situation effects the other, and with the word unfortunately beginning the transition, it hints something is troubling the waters, only here the waters are somewhere else. Maybe try "Unfortunately for Brue, Shaleana fearing him is the least of his worries". Kinda cliche but its just to make a point.

Paragraph 2: Who are these companions? Do they have names? How did they join Brue? Are they Ogres too or Elves or dwarves? Are these the same slavers from his town/village/place of residence or is this a reference to all slavers in general. Are the slavers the biggest complication on this world or are they a stepping stone in Brue's destiny as a sentinel. We get a lot of nice bits about the story but they could be a little juicer, breathe some life into it. It sounds like it is a phenomenal tale, let the synopsis reflect that.

Paragraph 3: Already addressed the transitions. This might be tapping into the manuscript and not the synopsis but being someone's next-door neighbor comes across as awkward when described as a personal connection. Are Mark and the doctor friends? If so, say they are friends and not neighbors. If they are just neighbors, and Mark is the last person to have any sort of lengthy contact with the man, then something else other than "personal" should be used to describe it. Personal gives a feeling of intimacy.

Paragraph 4: This tidbit of information about what Brue is up to is important but I think it's oddly placed. Looking over things again, I think the flow would be strengthened if the information in paragraph 4 was included in the final paragraph. The break in what is going on with Mark and the General is unnecessary unless something huge is going on. So, continued talking about mark, then come back to how Brue breaks into to the lair, big fight, they have to book and then they spot the light. That way, the tension with the face off with the Adversary isn't broken by a "meanwhile on planet earth" moment.

Paragraph 5: All's well for the most part. The only thing that nudges at me is the embezzling of billions of dollars. That just seems a bit outrageous, like no one is going to notice that much money just up and disappearing. They catch people who do much less. It just seems too fantastical and comes across as a "really? come on" moment instead of the punch I'm sure was the goal.

Paragraph 6: The light at the end of the tunnel is a huge cliche. Beware cliches. A dead end doesn't have to be in a tunnel. It could be at the edge of a cliff or getting trapped in a canyon. Also, this is the first time we've heard anything about any dark wizards and monsters. Try and introduce them somewhere else early on cause it seems like, if all of that AND a goddess was in the castle, then the guardian and his key to destroying the slavers didn't do much but land them in trouble.

All in all it's a bit stale, please don't hate me, and lacking any sense of feeling from the character. I don't feel Brue's frustration in dealing with Shaleana, nor his fear for his parents. I don't feel his drive for wanting to stop the slavers. I don't feel the peril when he goes into the castle and has to leap through this strange glowing door or face certain doom. And with Mark, I don't feel the mystery behind what he's been called to be a part of. All of the pieces of the story are here, they just have to be woven together and given a good helping of soul.

RUST - Chapter Nine now Online...hey, that rhymes!

The lastest chapter in the RUST Saga...yes, I am calling it a saga...is now posted. Enjoy.

http://www.docstoc.com/docs/44978782/RUST---Chapter-Nine

Son of Ogres - 1-page Synopsis

Here is my 1-page synopsis for Son of Ogres. All feedback is welcome.

Son of Ogres Synopsis
by James Baron

On the world of Pharll, Brue Overhill is just turning fifteen and is worried about getting the girl he likes to like him back. His challenge: he’s over seven feet tall and stilling growing, because he is part-ogre. Shaleana always seems frightened whenever he comes near her, as though she thinks he’ll step on her. Unfortunately for Brue, a slaver in disguise arrives in town and is determined to capture the young giant for a hefty commission. Brue manages to escape, but his family suffers the slaver’s deadly retribution.

Fast-forward three years and Brue has been joined by a small band of loyal companions, who are aiding him in trying to stop the slavers. They meet with little success, and when one of his friends is killed in a raid, Brue gives up on his quest. That night he is visited by the Guardian, who tells Brue that he is a Sentinel of Pharll. The young giant has a special destiny and the Guardian gives him a key to destroying the slavers.

On Earth it is 1990 and eighteen-year-old PFC Mark Sampson has been unexpectedly called back from the Persian Gulf. He is taken to a secret underground base where he meets General Taylor Murphy, who tells him he is needed to join a team for a special assignment. Mark’s next-door neighbour, Dr. Zonov (who mysteriously disappeared three years ago), had invented a machine that can open a portal between dimensions. The general hopes that Mark’s personal connection to the missing scientist will aid the mission to explore another dimension. But General Murphy has a secret that could jeopardize the mission and perhaps all their lives as well.

Back on Pharll, Brue and his friends have traveled for many days and have finally reached the slaver stronghold. Using a combination of stealth, magic and brute force, they managed to infiltrate the fortress and access its lowest levels. But their plan to destroy the stronghold is thwarted by Pharll’s evil goddess—The Adversary.

Switching back to Earth, Mark and his friend Captain Andy Pritchard have discovered that the government is unaware of General Murphy’s secret project. The general has used billions of embezzled dollars to finance his own private scheme. But this knowledge comes too late, for during a routine test, a large dimensional portal is created.

Brue and his companions are chased down a tunnel by the slavers, dark wizards and their monsters, only to arrive at a dead end. Before them is glowing circle of light. Taking a leap of faith, they jump through...and find themselves on Earth, with the enemy hot on their heels.

Query Letter for Son of Ogres - First Draft

Hi all!

Here is a query letter template I am trying out for my Young Adult fantasy novel: Son of Ogres. I have based the format on a query letter that was posted on http://queryshark.blogspot.com/ that got a rave review from Janet Reid. I am hoping this format works for my story as well.

So I am requesting feedback--good and bad--on this letter. Does it grab you? Would you be interested in seeing more if you were an agent for YA lit? Please let me know!


Dear Agent,

On the world of Pharll, Brue Overhill is just turning fifteen and is worried about getting the girl he likes to like him back. His challenge: he’s over seven feet tall and stilling growing, because he is part-ogre. Shaleana always seems frightened whenever he comes near her, as though she thinks he’ll step on her. Unfortunately for Brue, a slaver in disguise arrives in town and is determined to capture the young giant for a hefty commission. Brue manages to escape, but his family suffers the slaver’s deadly retribution.

Fast-forward three years and Brue has been joined by a small band of loyal companions, who are aiding him in trying to stop the slavers. They meet with little success, and when one of his friends is killed in a raid, Brue gives up on his quest. Then that night he is visited by the Guardian, who tells Brue that he is a Sentinel of Pharll. The young giant has a special destiny and the Guardian gives him a key to destroying the slavers. But will it be enough?

On Earth it is 1990 and eighteen-year-old PFC Mark Sampson has been unexpectedly called back from the Persian Gulf. He is taken to a secret underground base where he meets General Taylor Murphy, who tells him he is needed to join a team for a special assignment. Mark’s next-door neighbour, Dr. Zonov (who mysteriously disappeared three years ago), had invented a machine that can open a portal between dimensions. The general hopes that Mark’s personal connection to the missing scientist will aid the mission to explore another dimension. But General Murphy has a secret that could jeopardize the mission and perhaps all their lives as well.

A young adult fantasy novel, Son of Ogres, first book of the Sentinels of Pharll series, is complete at 80,000 words.

Thank you for your time.
James Baron

Finished my third draft of Son of Ogres

This morning on the bus I finished my third draft of Son of Ogres based on the editing done by Tom from YALitChat--thanks Tom!!!

Next step is to work on the Query Letter template and a one page Synopsis. Both have been written before when this novel was in a different format, so they will have to been rewritten--or written from scratch, depending on how it looks from my first pass.

I'm going to tackle the Query Letter first since it is shorter, and quite frankly I'm more pumped to write it.

Once I am finished and satisfied with the letter, I will post it to YALitChat and Gather to get some feedback, plus I will post it here for you guys. I will do the same for the Synopsis afterwards. When I am satisfied that both are polished like fine silver, I will start looking for agents to send them to.

Continuing on my write of passage,
James Baron

PS: A shout out to Jamila for joining my list of followers. I hope you find this blog interesting and entertaining.

Ditching the Book Title - Week # - Day # format

So I figure at this stage of the game I'm not going to bother keeping track of what day or week I am working on a particular book. As titles go, I find in retrospect they are pretty boring and don't say a lot about the content of the post.

So this morning I wrote about our young hero Rifter arriving at cavern that is home to Clan Hearth. He is stunned and amazed by the sight. Clan Hearth has a population of over a hundred people! Rifter's clan of Deep Fathom numbered less than twenty. The most strangers that he has ever seen at one time is six. He is also surprised how old some of the people are, and yet they do not seem to suffer from Tunnel Rot, which is a disease that affects all of Rifter's people as they get older. Clan Deep Fathom's elder Red was thirty-six cycles old, and he looked really, REALLY old. But the warrior Tor from Clan Hearth is thirty-eight cycles, yet he looks fifteen cycles younger in Rifter's eyes.

So that is a brief recap of what I have been writing about lately. Please check out the links in the left hand side panel listing my books if you want to read the chapters written so far.

Continuing on my write of passage,
James Baron

I'm baaaaaacccckkkk!!!!

I'm baaaaaacccckkkk!!!!

I finally got back to writing today after what appears to be a 22 day gap. I finished off Chapter Eight of RUST on the bus this morning, so that really felt good. I am planning to do so more editing of Son of Ogres at lunch time, thanks to editing/proof reading that was done by my friend Tom I met on on YALitChat.com. We traded books, so I critiqued his YA book Eden's Rat, while did Son of Ogres. He did a really good job of it too! Asked some questions and made some comments I hadn't considered, so I really look forward to making those changes to my manuscript.

I think I am ready to start my agent hunt now for that book. I will keep you all filled in on the process in the days and weeks ahead.

It's good to be back!

http://www.docstoc.com/docs/38592185/RUST---Chapter-Six

http://www.docstoc.com/docs/38717545/RUST---Chapter-Seven

http://www.docstoc.com/docs/43888283/RUST---Chapter-Eight

Continuing on my write of passage,

James Baron